It takes a great many things to discover who you are. In a lot of ways I feel that the process of writing this book has been a bit of a "walk-about" for me. Soul searching, if you will.
You see, I don't know who I am, and I think it would be safe to say that you don't know who you are either. In my case at least I feel like I'm constantly growing and learning new things about myself that sometimes feel like they should have been very obvious.
It's not obvious though, and sometimes it's very jarring to retrospectively look at a situation and say to myself "Oooohhhhh... Now I get it."
That's why I do that...
That's why I'm like this...
It helps to know but there are often tears to be shed over the realizations.
Being human is exhausting.
What I'm finding lately is that these dawning realizations about myself are happening not just in my writing, but in my ability to have real conversations with the people around me.
Being social has never been a strength of mine. I'm either WAY too open, or WAY too closed off to the point of making people uncomfortable... in both cases.
Woah, Alyse, balance!
My life currently feels like a social experiment. That's off-putting and I certainly don't want to make people feel like that's what I'm actually doing, but in a sense I am starting to dip my toes into the waters of extrovert-ism?! Extrovert-ness... ?
I think I'm not actually as introverted as I come across. I think these behaviors are learned and entirely based on my years and years of emotional adolescent abuse/neglect/trauma...
Learning this about myself has been eye opening.
I'm finding that I enjoy people, even more then one at a time.
I'm finding that I enjoy the support those people are giving me when they ask questions about the book I have a hard time talking about.
I'm finding that I'm not who I think I am. Not really.
And surprisingly there's a lot of new confidence that comes with knowing that.