• Alyse

Talking to myself

I took this photo this morning as I was walking along the beach in Seaside OR. This place is practically my backyard, and I'm so excited that I get to be here as often as I do. There's something so soothing about the sea. I know this feeling is something that resonates within a lot of people.

The ocean feels like it's own entity. When you, yourself, touch something, the feeling of that thing has an energy that you can feel throughout your entire body, right? You know this feeling. Touching someone you love and feeling their warmth radiate through you, even if you only just grazed their skin with your finger tip. That's what I imagine it feels like to the ocean. I know, that sounds silly, but when I put my feet into the ocean, when I can feel the water around my toes, I feel like I've connected with the entirety of the sea. Like it can feel my energy, grazing my skin with it's fingertips.

This morning felt like visiting a graveyard. For me that's a comforting, homey kind of feeling. Because the graveyard I go to has my family in it. It's always a family reunion, and walking in there I feel peace and belonging. When I walk up to the graves of my family members I often start talking to myself. Or to them, however you want to look at that. "Hey Mom, long time no see. Literally, because you're buried in the ground. Hahaha". And I do laugh at myself, because you have to find humor in something. They're dead, and I'm used to it, so why not use these moments to catch up with them and what's happening in my life?! I take a deep breath, and I spill my guts. When I walked up to the ocean this morning, that's what happened. It was second nature. "Hey Ocean, man, life is crazy right now, am I right?!" **Giggles to myself, realizing that some of my habits from home are following me into public spaces.**

But that's the comfort I felt walking towards the ocean, and feeling this overwhelming "at home" feeling. If you know me, you know that's a feeling I've struggled with for many years. Where is home? I don't know. I keep trying to find it, and I keep running into the ocean when I go looking. I don't believe I'll ever truly find my home on any land on this earth, but I do believe I'll find it on the water.

So this morning I had a conversation with the ocean. I gave it my pain, shared with it my joy, and expressed my confusion over the life I seem to be leading, but wow isn't it amazing and beautiful?

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