It's been a while since I've written anything. So, I'm back to kind of spill my thoughts onto the page. Blogs are good practice for book writing.
I don't think people really understand what is that I'm about to do. In one week I'm leaving my job, which some might think is a really flighty decision, and I don't know, maybe it is? Maybe they're right?
Here's what I know though, I have confidence in what I'm doing, even if what I'm doing doesn't exactly have a clear outline or map of what it's going to look like yet. Here's something else I know, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about what I'm doing.
I've lead an interesting life, which has given me some interesting quirks and dilemmas to sort through. Sometimes I'm flighty. Sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing. Sometimes I succeed at what I'm doing, but I give it up anyway because it doesn't feel right. Sometimes I fail at the thing I wish felt right. Sometimes I tell myself that I'm not a certain way, or that I am a certain way, and I let these words get into my head and it either holds me back, or gives me a false sense of confidence and I act maybe a little too quickly without really developing a plan. Sometimes the only way to learn and grow is to dive head first into it and learn from the mistakes made in the process.
I honestly know how I must look to other people. What my personality must look like. There are a lot of negative terms, or words I could use right now to describe how I think others might see me sometimes, and right now might be a sometimes because I'm making a very selfish decision. I'm leaving a job I haven't had for very long, and jumping into a different world that I might fail at.
And this isn't a new habit of mine. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. I've never felt settled on anything, or in any place. Example: why I now live in Oregon and not Utah. Why we sold our home, downsized into a town home, sold that and left the state after only one year there because nothing was working for me... We don't live in Oregon because my husband got a job here. My husband got a job here because his wife was floundering in a place that didn't make sense to her.
I know that my moving out of state has actually hurt some people that I love very much. I know that it's different for them then it is for me, because they're not the ones floundering, and knowing they can come back home whenever they want to. I have a sense of having my cake and eating it too by leaving, but having the freedom to come and go as I need. That's liberating for me, and very frustrating for the people who now feel left behind. I'm sorry for hurting you. Truly. I've considered writing a post about this topic, because trauma makes you do strange things, and to put it simply, when you experience that much trauma in one place, it's often good to leave it behind and start fresh somewhere else. I've never been happier than I am right now in Oregon, and I hope that's reassuring. I'm healing in ways I never could have in Utah.
I'm making a lot of selfish decisions right now, and it's effecting everyone. My kids and husband included. I'm taking space. I'm leaving sometimes to be on my own. I'm trying new things and seeing what will stick, and what won't.
So what am I really doing?
The joke is that I'm retiring. I'm 33, and I'm retiring! Who's life even is this?! That I can say that and at least on a small scale, it's true. I don't have any plans to return to the normal grind we are all so used to, ever. I'm done applying for jobs. I'm done creating resumes. I'm done having a boss. I certainly have a plan B in place just in case my life back-fires on me, because it's always good to have a just-in-case back up plan, but I don't plan on using it unless absolutely necessary.
What I'm really doing, and this isn't a joke in the slightest, is going into business for myself. I mean, I already am in business for myself. I essentially work two jobs right now, and live in two states. That sounds like an over exaggeration, but it truly isn't. This past year has been a whirlwind of change, growth, and connections that have caused me to realize what I'm really meant to be doing right now. I don't regret a single moment, because everything I've done has given me so much. I'm not just walking away with nothing, I've actually gained a TON. And I'm grateful, honestly.
Of course I worry that the people who took a chance on me, just to see me turn around and walk away now are going to resent me. In some ways I already know they do. How can they not?! But I look at every moment in life as an opportunity for growth. There's always something to be gained. For me, and for them.
So over the next few weeks I'm going to be developing a map, a plan, a... direction. I already have lists of things I want to do. Would you like to see some of those things?
Start a YouTube channel. Learn illustration so that I can start my children's books.
Write the two books I've very slowly been outlining. Travel... everywhere, and network with everyone! Begin my public speaking career! I can not currently wrap my head around how much work this is going to be, but this is maybe the most exciting part! Marketing... because I'm self-published. I need to think about my brand, and what I represent.
Oh and do some yoga, because mindfulness.
My life is full. My days are full. My dreams are HUGE!!! And every single thing I've ever experienced in this life is leading me toward this moment. Everything that I've flaked out on, given up on, failed at... etc. All of that is giving me this opportunity, and so I don't see any of that as failing or giving up. I learned a long time ago to FAIL FASTER, and that's what I do. If what I'm doing isn't working for the life I'm living, I change it. As quickly as possible, because how much time do we really get on this planet?! Not a whole lot. But you can bet that a whole lot of thought goes pouring into these decisions. My friends and family know because I've been talking about it for months. Now it's just time to go for it.
So, maybe wish me luck, and let's see where this goes!!! Good places, I hope.