What good does it do to post all of this personal stuff on social media?!
Well, I don't know.
I came here to say that my hubs and I are together once again. Everyone's support has been tremendous, both from people who know what we are going through, as you've been there yourself, and those who just want to share love even though they have no idea what this feels like.
It truly doesn't matter if you know what this feels like or not. You're human spreading love and that's the very best thing you can do for either of us or for anyone in the world. To judge us for our circumstances would be to hurt us, and there have been some miscommunications that have caused tension, but at the end of the day we all took a deep breath, gave each other a hug, and are now moving forward.
We are family. Period.
I believe it was 2016 or 2017... that I made a resolution to better my relationships with the people around me. Those outside of my immediate family, although including them as well as I have wanted to connect more with my daughter because her little brother is my baby boy, and well, she knows he's the baby. He has his little hands wrapped around my heart and he's not giving it up to anyone.
I stand by this, not my baby having me wrapped around his fingers but my relationships with the people in my life. This, ultimately, is what I want selfishly for myself (redundancy for the win!).
There is great potential for judgement from outside perspectives, and regardless of how open I might be, there is enormous room for gossip, assumptions, and pain. What I ultimately ask of you reading this is to try to assume the best of me, and of my family.
After Mom died I became very resentful of the people around me. You'll hear me talk about this in my book. I became angry because it wasn't enough to have lost my mother, but I felt immense guilt, shame, regret and love for a woman who never knew just how much I had loved her, but now... now she was gone, and she would never know (I'll talk about my Atheism in a later post).
To lose your mother is a horrible tragedy. I lost my mother when I was 25 years old, and she was 50. We were each too young, and to that point in my life I had not learned how to manage a healthy relationship. I had never been given the example of what a healthy relationship looks like. I was in a toxic environment for so much of my life, inside of a family who stuck together simply because they were blood, and yet, all I wanted was escape. Nothing ever felt fair.
Then she died, and the weight of all that had happened throughout my years on this earth hit me, and they hit me hard. And there I was, alone in my grief with the demons that followed me even though those members in my family were now all dead.
I was left alone. Alone to feel this pain that I couldn't wrap my mind around. I shut down. I got rid of my Facebook account, and I pulled away.
Later I came to find out, and this was several years later, that the people in my life had WANTED to support me but I heard so many times "I didn't know how" or "I didn't know what to say". The good intentions were there, but I never knew, so what good were they for me, and my anger grew.
This, my friends, is why I am so open now. Life is such a painful experience and no one should have to face those pains alone. No one knew what I felt, and so I can not hold onto grudges. I have grown and gained tremendous perspective, one such perspective is that had I opened up to even just one person perhaps I wouldn't have had to suffer quite the way I did, because it was all in my head. I was the one hurting myself, but I didn't know how to stop it. Now I am open, because I get to see someone else's point of view by sharing my pain. I get to see something outside of my own thoughts and realize that not only do I not have to suffer alone, but now I get to think outside the box when alone I can't do that, and perhaps see the people in my life in a new light. A better light. The type of light they each deserve.
My life has been a lot of trial and error. I am certainly doing my very best with what I have inside the very limited realm of my own mind. That is all that we can do.
I have become very passionate about sharing pain and heartache. The only way in which I have ever learned to heal properly is to be open about it. There is comfort knowing that you're not alone in your struggles. There is comfort from a new point of view. There is comfort knowing that despite what you did, nothing more could be truly be done, and that even though you want control you don't always deserve that control or get it.
I couldn't control what my mother was doing to herself. I very desperately wanted to, and this is where my pain came from. Why wouldn't she let me help her?! Why did she fight me so much?! But there is relief in knowing that those were her decisions and no matter who you are attached to in this life, there must be room for everyone to be allowed to make their own decisions.
Whether you agree or disagree about how open I am isn't up for debate. I do this for myself because it's what I need, and I would like to think, although I certainly don't know, that if more people shared their pain and were met with understanding and love, the world could truly be a better place. Not all situations are meant to be understood. I would never have understood why my mother did what she did, but it didn't matter because those were her choices, now how could I have supported her differently? A question I'll ask until the end of my days. A question that, even if I can no longer give her what she needs I can try to find answers for people like her, and people like me.
Maybe now is a good time to stop being so vague about what I'm doing, and just do it. Announce it. Go for it. Jump on it. Get while the gettin's good.
I'll work on it today and announce it when I've actually created something, it needs a name, I haven't settled on one yet, and it deserves it's very own post.
Things to look forward to.